My
next door neighbors seemed to be the nicest Christian people in the world. They
just had a baby, their firstborn, and have been cheerfully preparing their
house to accommodate the new arrival. Derek Brewer is a realtor, just starting
his own business. His wife Whitney was one our our brightest and smartest
alumnae from Biological Sciences at Southeastern Oklahoma State University.
I
counted myself really lucky to have them as neighbors, especially since we have
a shared driveway. They are very quiet, even when they have a lot of visitors.
Because I wanted to encourage them to stay, and not move away—nearly anybody
who might move in after them would be worse, I figured—I have given them
unlimited right to park in the shared driveway, half of which is mine, and I
waived my right to park there.
Apparently
I was a fool for trusting Christian goodness.
I
generate very little garbage. I am proud of treading lightly upon God’s good
green Earth. I do not use disposable dishes except when the alternative is very
burdensome. And my lovely wife Lee spent many, many hours washing cloth diapers
when Anita was young. (One of the pleasures of having an almost-28-year-old
daughter is that it has been a long, long time since this was necessary.)
But
when I did open my city garbage bin to put a tiny bit of refuse in it tonight,
I found that it was almost completely filled by a big plastic garbage bag full
of disposable plates and newborn diapers (used, of course). This bag was as
much garbage as I generate in two months. I know where it must have come from.
In order to put the garbage in my bin, one of them had to open my gate, walk
across my back yard, and put it in, then walk back and close the gate. It could
not have been a simple misunderstanding. Anyone stupid enough to do this by
accident would not have been smart enough to open a gate.
I’m
fucking tired of Christians treating everybody else in the world as places to
pile their shit, and I mean this literally, or for target practice, or as
scapegoats to blame everything on. If only us fucking Democrat bleeding-hearts
would get the fuck out of the world, all problems would be solved.
The
possibility remains that someone else, maybe a space alien, just happened to
have newborn diapers at this very moment when my neighbors do, and put them
there. In that event, I will delete this blog entry and replace it with an
account of Derek and the space aliens or whatever is appropriate.
It
is, in itself, a small thing, since I generate so little garbage. I just wish
they had ASKED first. But Christians don’t fucking need to ask before dumping
their shit on neighbors, or parking their fucking cars in their neighbors’
yards, or any other fucking thing they want to do. They are the chosen of God
and the rest of us are just standing in their way.
Now,
if I trespassed in someone’s yard for ANY REASON they would consider it their
right and God-given duty to shoot me. I do not have a gun or any plans to get
one. But (see the previous blog entry) it appears that there are two groups of
people: the people with guns who believe they have a right to do whatever the
fuck they want, and those without guns who must just accept whatever the others
do. Happy July 6, and God bless America.
Here
is the letter I will be leaving for them, to give them a chance to set the
record straight in the event that the garbage came from somewhere else:
“Derek and
Whitney—In my trash I found a large trash bag full of disposable dishware and
used newborn diapers. Would those happen to be yours? Or did you happen to see
anyone enter my back yard through the fence and leave a bag of garbage there?
They should know I am not the neighborhood dump. If you need extra space for
trash please in God’s name ask first. You have my number. Dr. Stan Rice. P.S.
If you see anyone doing this, please let them know it is a bad example for
Christians. –S.R.”
If
anything should change the accuracy of the above information, I will update
this essay or simply delete it.
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