One of the books I was reading during my transition from fundamentalism into agnosticism in 2005 was Rabbi Kushner’s Who Needs God. This was exactly the question I was asking myself, and Kushner’s writing was clear and simple, so this was the perfect time to read his book. I did not need any complex theology.
I wanted to enjoy wisdom. Wisdom, I wrote in my journal, is the only pleasure worth having. One can get enough of sex, but not of wisdom, as King Solomon the sex fiend discovered with his thousand wives and concubines. And because of wisdom, every day, no matter how tired I was during my medical problems, I had a deep sense of awe, as if the whole universe were awash in holiness. Maybe it was just an altered mental state, but if so, it was a state of happiness. I had come to doubt that there was a God of love, but I wanted to live as if there was a God of love.
At the same time, I was really angry at any God who might possibly exist. Kushner asked, how can you be angry at a God you do not believe exists? But I was angry at the fact that there should be a God who, just once, rescues the world from its misery. I could not come to terms with the fact that were was not.
This entry, from 9 January 2005 and subsequent days, is transcribed almost verbatim from my journal. I might note that I wrote in huge paragraphs, which I have here broken up and, in some cases, rearranged. I have added minimal comments, in brackets.
“I begin now to read Kushner’s Who Needs God. I need a break from ancient scripture which I read, first in devotion, then wisdom, then analysis; for example, I recognized Jeremiah’s manic-depressive extremes. I need to escape not from scripture so much as from a tyranny of how humans have used it.
“God challenged Job, asking if he had measured the earth, sky, and sea and knew everything in them. Now, we have done this. We cannot any longer identify God with what we do not know. Or can we? We calculate unknowable dimensions, as if the mere calculation of them makes us their masters.
“I admit that while I was wrong about much traditional doctrine, a mystery remains to which I must be open. Kushner said scientific research is an act of religious devotion, honoring the creator of mind. I use what I write as a religious gift, not as a challenge or a reason to be cynical. Cynical means “like dogs,” happy or angry from merely immediate circumstances. I need to focus on how my work of teaching and writing are my service to God, to lay claim again on the joy of what is before me to do. Enjoy now, not some day.
“God is depicted as bringing order out of chaos, and this is what scientists, serving God even if they think they are not, are doing. My scientific work is as holy as that of a priest. Kushner wrote, “…I am saying what I think and feel to be true, not what I think God wants to hear, and I have to believe that God respects that” (p. 21). The issue is not what we believe about God but about what we do. God’s existence is now unclear to me, but I continue to act on the assumption that God is love. This is the only way [for me] to be happy. Abram did not wait for all the answers before stepping out in faith.
“Rather than asserting, I am waiting, open to insight. As Kushner says, religion is not primarily a set of beliefs but a way of seeing. It cannot change the facts about the world but changes the way we see them…Here we are. What is our purpose? Religion shows us another answer from [that of] those who say our purpose is as consumers or as party members. Big religious leaders claim more, and less; they have grandiose eschatologies, and yet they tell their followers all they have to do is to give them money…
“Once humans became [in evolutionary time] intelligent enough to see the pain and misery of the world, religion was a way to keep going without being paralyzed. As long as we insist an Almighty God is on a throne, independent, then we can wonder why he allows suffering. But if we see God as having melded himself with creation, like bacteria evolving into mitochondria or mycorrhizae integrating into plant roots, we can see that, first, God cannot manipulate everything for us, and second, no priest is closer to God than we are. God is one with his world now. That is why life is good, not mere matter and energy. This is religion, from the Latin word for connection. It is not merely the carbon cycle, not merely evolution, that connects us with the soil and trees and animals. I feel connected because I am connected.”
I
will continue exploring my 2005 journal in the next entry, and I hope it helps
whoever may be reading this.
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