One
of the books I was reading during my transition from fundamentalism into
agnosticism in 2005 was Rabbi Kushner’s Who Needs God. This was exactly
the question I was asking myself, and Kushner’s writing was clear and simple,
so this was the perfect time to read his book. I did not need any complex
theology.
I
wanted to enjoy wisdom. Wisdom, I wrote in my journal, is the only pleasure
worth having. One can get enough of sex, but not of wisdom, as King Solomon the
sex fiend discovered with his thousand wives and concubines. And because of
wisdom, every day, no matter how tired I was during my medical problems, I had
a deep sense of awe, as if the whole universe were awash in holiness. Maybe it
was just an altered mental state, but if so, it was a state of happiness. I had
come to doubt that there was a God of love, but I wanted to live as if there
was a God of love.
At
the same time, I was really angry at any God who might possibly exist. Kushner
asked, how can you be angry at a God you do not believe exists? But I was angry
at the fact that there should be a God who, just once, rescues the world
from its misery. I could not come to terms with the fact that were was not.
This
entry, from 9 January 2005 and subsequent days, is transcribed almost verbatim
from my journal. I might note that I wrote in huge paragraphs, which I have
here broken up and, in some cases, rearranged. I have added minimal comments,
in brackets.
“I
begin now to read Kushner’s Who Needs God. I need a break from ancient
scripture which I read, first in devotion, then wisdom, then analysis; for
example, I recognized Jeremiah’s manic-depressive extremes. I need to escape
not from scripture so much as from a tyranny of how humans have used it.
“God
challenged Job, asking if he had measured the earth, sky, and sea and knew
everything in them. Now, we have done this. We cannot any longer identify God
with what we do not know. Or can we? We calculate unknowable dimensions, as if
the mere calculation of them makes us their masters.
“I
admit that while I was wrong about much traditional doctrine, a mystery remains
to which I must be open. Kushner said scientific research is an act of
religious devotion, honoring the creator of mind. I use what I write as a
religious gift, not as a challenge or a reason to be cynical. Cynical means
“like dogs,” happy or angry from merely immediate circumstances. I need to
focus on how my work of teaching and writing are my service to God, to lay
claim again on the joy of what is before me to do. Enjoy now, not some
day.
“God
is depicted as bringing order out of chaos, and this is what scientists,
serving God even if they think they are not, are doing. My scientific work is
as holy as that of a priest. Kushner wrote, “…I am saying what I think and feel
to be true, not what I think God wants to hear, and I have to believe that God
respects that” (p. 21). The issue is not what we believe about God but about
what we do. God’s existence is now unclear to me, but I continue to act on the
assumption that God is love. This is the only way [for me] to be happy. Abram
did not wait for all the answers before stepping out in faith.
“Rather
than asserting, I am waiting, open to insight. As Kushner says, religion is not
primarily a set of beliefs but a way of seeing. It cannot change the facts
about the world but changes the way we see them…Here we are. What is our
purpose? Religion shows us another answer from [that of] those who say our
purpose is as consumers or as party members. Big religious leaders claim more,
and less; they have grandiose eschatologies, and yet they tell their followers
all they have to do is to give them money…
“Once
humans became [in evolutionary time] intelligent enough to see the pain and
misery of the world, religion was a way to keep going without being paralyzed.
As long as we insist an Almighty God is on a throne, independent, then we can
wonder why he allows suffering. But if we see God as having melded himself with
creation, like bacteria evolving into mitochondria or mycorrhizae integrating
into plant roots, we can see that, first, God cannot manipulate everything for
us, and second, no priest is closer to God than we are. God is one with his
world now. That is why life is good, not mere matter and energy. This is
religion, from the Latin word for connection. It is not merely the carbon
cycle, not merely evolution, that connects us with the soil and trees and
animals. I feel connected because I am connected.”
I
will continue exploring my 2005 journal in the next entry, and I hope it helps
whoever may be reading this.
